SUICIDE

What is Suicide Really?

Many years ago, a famous psychologist, Roy Baumeister, explained the progression toward suicide in the human mind. One does not simply decide to commit suicide; one is led to that decision by a series of prior events and decisions. See how Baumeister describes how suicide goes from ideas to action.

1) Severe disappointment.

What is suicide at its root? First, you experience severe disappointment. You set your standards, and your circumstances fall far below those expectations. Maybe it’s that your expectations were too high; maybe it’s that you’re just going through a lot of setbacks in your life. Regardless, you’re in the midst of severe disappointment. If you’re not careful, that disappointment can begin to fuel suicidal thoughts. Even before it is actually committing suicide, suicide is dangerous.

2) Self-blame.

Second, you blame yourself for all of the disappointment in your life. As a result of your miserable circumstances, you begin to “demonize” yourself, heaping the blame on your own shoulders. Part of this demonization means developing a deep hate for yourself, characterized by low self-esteem and self-worth. Self-blame is a big part of why suicide ruins a person.

3) Self-absorption.

Third, you become entirely obsessed with your own inability to measure up to the standards that you have set up. You turn inward, shutting out those around you. When you face the pressure to commit suicide, your battle is not against the people in your life who have hurt you; it is against your perceptions of yourself.

4) Depression and anxiety.

Here, you experience what Baumeister calls “negative affect,” meaning that you experience negative emotions related to your disappointment. Severe depression or a sense of anxiety sets in. We use others’ standards to compare ourselves, and we experience deep anxiety when we fail to meet those expectations. This anxiety, too, can translate into suicidal thoughts.

5) Cognitive deconstruction.

In this phase, your brain breaks down your life into easy-to-understand thoughts. This step of suicide involves an “escape from meaningful thought,” Baumeister argues. This is why suicide is so dangerous to contemplate—thinking about the big questions only reminds you of your depression, and so you enter a sort of “emotional deadness” instead. This deadness is a big part of how suicide progresses. Busywork often takes over as you work to avoid the pressing conflict within yourself. You busy yourself to quiet your thoughts about suicide.

6) Disinhibition.

What is suicide at this stage? Finally, now that your brain has turned off “deep” thoughts about how your death would affect those you love or how suicide may be “wrong,” your brain has finally accepted that to commit suicide may be your best escape from depression. In this step, you leap over the last psychological hurdles that stand between you and suicide.

How to Help Someone who is Suicidal

A suicidal person may not ask for help, but that doesn't mean that help isn't wanted. Most people who commit suicide don't want to die—they just want to stop hurting. Suicide prevention starts with recognizing the warning signs and taking them seriously. If you think a friend or family member is considering suicide, you might be afraid to bring up the subject. But talking openly about suicidal thoughts and feelings can save a life.

Understanding and preventing suicide

 The World Health Organization estimates that approximately 1 million people die each year from suicide. What drives so many individuals to take their own lives? To those not in the grips of suicidal depression and despair, it's difficult to understand what drives so many individuals to take their own lives. But a suicidal person is in so much pain that he or she can see no other option.

Suicide is a desperate attempt to escape suffering that has become unbearable. Blinded by feelings of self-loathing, hopelessness, and isolation, a suicidal person can't see any way of finding relief except through death. But despite their desire for the pain to stop, most suicidal people are deeply conflicted about ending their own lives. They wish there was an alternative to committing suicide, but they just can't see one. 

Talking to a person about suicide

Talking to a friend or family member about their suicidal thoughts and feelings can be extremely difficult for anyone. But if you're unsure whether someone is suicidal, the best way to find out is to ask. You can't make a person suicidal by showing that you care. In fact, giving a suicidal person the opportunity to express his or her feelings can provide relief from loneliness and pent-up negative feelings, and may prevent a suicide attempt.

Ways to start a conversation about suicide:

    I have been feeling concerned about you lately.

    Recently, I have noticed some differences in you and wondered how you are doing.

    I wanted to check in with you because you haven’t seemed yourself lately.

Questions you can ask:

    When did you begin feeling like this?

    Did something happen that made you start feeling this way?

    How can I best support you right now?

    Have you thought about getting help?

What you can say that helps:

    You are not alone in this. I’m here for you.

    You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change.

    I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to help.

    When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold off for just one more day, hour, minute — whatever you can manage.

When talking to a suicidal person

Do:

Be yourself. Let the person know you care, that he/she is not alone. The right words are often unimportant. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it.

Listen. Let the suicidal person unload despair, ventilate anger. No matter how negative the conversation seems, the fact that it exists is a positive sign.

Be sympathetic, non-judgmental, patient, calm, accepting. Your friend or family member is doing the right thing by talking about his/her feelings.

Offer hope. Reassure the person that help is available and that the suicidal feelings are temporary. Let the person know that his or her life is important to you.

If the person says things like, “I’m so depressed, I can’t go on,” ask the question: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?” You are not putting ideas in their head, you are showing that you are concerned, that you take them seriously, and that it’s OK for them to share their pain with you.

But don’t:

Argue with the suicidal person. Avoid saying things like: "You have so much to live for," "Your suicide will hurt your family," or “Look on the bright side.”

Act shocked, lecture on the value of life, or say that suicide is wrong.

Promise confidentiality. Refuse to be sworn to secrecy. A life is at stake and you may need to speak to a mental health professional in order to keep the suicidal person safe. If you promise to keep your discussions secret, you may have to break your word.

Offer ways to fix their problems, or give advice, or make them feel like they have to justify their suicidal feelings. It is not about how bad the problem is, but how badly it’s hurting your friend or loved one.

Blame yourself. You can’t “fix” someone’s depression. Your loved one’s happiness, or lack thereof, is not your responsibility.